Think I’ll go home, now

What a difference seven years can make. For the most part, in the years since my mother’s passing, I have been floating in space–like an untethered astronaut. I didn’t realize how disconnected I was until she was no longer present in the earth. Turns out she was my connection to the world. In spite of the fact that my extended family is large, and that I was a phone call or drive away from family and friends, I felt quite alone. After the first year, I was sure of only one thing–I did not want to be alone. It was that thought that dominated my prayers.

Unfortunately, it also dominated my decisions, but in a negative way. I sought out and quickly landed in a few unhealthy and unpleasant relationships. I was grieving the physical loss, and used physical intimacy as a substitute. Sadly, it did not fill the void–not even close. Ultimately, I found myself in isolation. I went from one extreme to the other. It was a confusing and uncomfortable place to be.

In the midst of my emotional whirlwind, a trusted spiritual leader said to me, “You know what season this is? It is the season of ‘your heart’s desire’.” Many months passed as I sought to know what was in my heart. Almost daily, I found myself asking God to reveal my heart’s desire to me. Nearly a year later, my heart’s desire was revealed: I’ve been trying to find my way “home.” It hit me right between the eyes–I wanted to go home, but I didn’t know where that was anymore. Prior to my mother’s passing, home was wherever she was.

As the revelation unfolded, I saw a movie that was telling my story through its story line. The movie was Forrest Gump (, starring Tom Hanks, and the first line that spoke volumes was “I just felt like running.” Running was my go-to. It was the thing I did when life got difficult, confusing or teetering on the verge of being out of my control. I had been running a long time, and like Forrest, I didn’t have a specific destination in mind. I had felt like moving many times before, but those were times I wanted to run. Then, also like Forrest, I finally stopped running. When he said “think I’ll go home, now” I thought that’s it exactly! Still, I didn’t know where home was–physically or otherwise. Over the next two years, God began to show me more of my heart which eventually led me “home”.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart (Psalm 37:4, Amp).

Identifying with a story line is one thing, but to truly recognize the scriptures being lived out in your life is a phenomenal experience. I came to appreciate Psalm 37:4 from the perspective that not only does God provide the manifestation of your desires, but He actually plants the hope (desire) in your heart to begin with. When I kept this petition before the Lord, He met me at my place of need.

The unveiling began with me wanting to be physically closer to my family. I had several options to consider–one state over, returning to my birthplace, returning to the state where I once called home, or somewhere near any one of these. I had been spending time with my dad’s side–something that was very new to me. With each passing day, my heart yearned to be closer, but I wasn’t able to see how God would bring it to pass. Then, during one of my visits to my dad’s, it welled up in my spirit so strong that God was releasing me to move. It was about six months later that things started to progress “suddenly”. An interruption in my health led to a brief hospitalization. That was the catalyst God used to get the ball rolling. It was clear that I needed to be closer to my family and they expressed that to me, as well. My employer supported my decision, and went so far as to permit me to be reclassified to work remotely. That was the favor of God! Within three months, I purged and packed and headed East with the help of my friends. I landed safely and softly in the presence of my family–close to both sides of the family and a short drive to my hometown.

Only God! What seemed unimaginable and so far off was made close and crystal clear. It solidified my resolve to trust God, especially when I can’t figure out how to get from Point A to Point B. He has a plan that includes fulfilling the desires of our hearts. His plan takes into consideration multiple points of need. I marvel that just prior to the physical move, the Spirit impressed into my spirit these words: It isn’t “home” but it is family, and that is your truest desire. That was EXACTLY what I desired, and now I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be! Not only was my need met, but so was my family’s.

More than ever before, I keep mindful of the whispers I’ve heard in my spirit and each word of prophecy ever spoken. I trust the word of God and look forward to seeing more of it manifested in my life. That which God has spoken shall surely come to pass! This was the title of a sermon my pastor preached a year before my mother transitioned. It encouraged me then, and means even more now. My take-away is this: Stop running; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. God has you, everyone and everything in mind–His plan includes more than you can imagine. Trust His timing. Allow Him to lead you “home”. ~Transparently Yours, WordsInPrint by Suni 💛

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